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NFC: A Fairly True Tale
The Goldfish Lake
by David Boruchowitz
Once upon a time there was a 131-acre lake in Nevada that was full of
gazillions of goldfish. The people tried everything. They made fertilizer
out of the goldfish. They had catch-the-most-goldfish contests. They opened
a special Snuffy's restaurant, where eveything on the menu was made out of
goldfish. Nothing worked.
The US Forest Service decided to introduce a goldfish predator. They tried
several native species like bowfins, but they had little effect on the
goldfish population. People were starting to claim you could walk across
the water on the backs of the goldfish!
Then the Feds went to Lake Nicaragua in Central American and netted several
freshwater bull sharks. Well...after two fisherman and four swimmers were
eaten, they were forced to take more serious action.
So, in desperation, they poisoned the lake. Thousands of trout and other
game fish floated to the surface, but they were vastly outnumbered by the
orange horde--millions upon millions of giant goldfish. Being summer, the
fish started to stink pretty quickly, so the US Forest Service called in
the National Guard.
Wearing gas masks, the troops used barges designed to contain and collect
oil spills to herd all the corpses to shore, where they used road
construction loaders to scoop the slimy stench into huge dump trucks. They
moved several hundred tons to a catfood manufacturing plant in Arizona.
(Arizona has since filed suit in Federal Court to have Nevada expelled from
the Union). The rest they took out into the desert and buried in giant
When the poison in the lake dissipated, a group of Forestry Service
biologists went out in a boat to make survey dives and assess the situation
and determine which native species should be used to restock the lake. Late
in the afternoon, the boat sped back to shore, and the scientists ran for
their cars and burned rubber getting out of there.
One local reported overhearing a conversation between two of the biologists
as they got into one of the cars:
"I told you, I saw an orange fish down there!" said the first.
"No you didn't," said the other man. "And you didn't see that shark, either!"
Well, you see, this is a Fairly Tale, so SOMEBODY has to live happily ever