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More Humor? (fwd)



---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Sat, 27 Jun 1998 21:41:36 EDT
From: BEBackus at aol_com
To: abackus at hotmail_com, abgoodman at mediaone_net, mcclurgl at washburn_edu,
    EBeaty9999 at aol_com, MWrobl4415 at aol_com, KMRAE696 at aol_com,
    LBackus559 at aol_com, BUCKFOUR at aol_com, ECKOLSALE at aol_com,
    kevinm at planetkc_com
Subject: More Humor?

Subject:	Points to Ponder

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
How much faith does it take to be an atheist?
I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.
If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is
fog horn made out of?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with,
"Quit while you're ahead"?
If atheists say there is no God, who do they think pops up the next
Kleenex in the box?
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in
the bathroom.
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?

*******
10 WAYS TO TELL IF A REDNECK HAS BEEN WORKING
ON A COMPUTER

10.	 The monitor is up on blocks.
9.	 Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. 	The six front keys have rotted out.
7. 	The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts stored in them.
6. 	The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. 	The password is "Bubba".
4. 	There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
3. 	There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. 	The keyboard is camouflaged.

AND the number 1 way to tell if a Redneck has been working on 
a computer is...

1.	The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

*******
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her
mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day
of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child  thought about this for a moment, then said,
"So why's the groom wearing  black!!!???"

*******
Consider this...
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both were shot in the head.
Now this is interesting...
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names comprise fifteen letters.
Booth ran from a theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And here's the kicker,
A week before Lincoln was shot he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot he was in Marilyn Monroe.
....Go Figure........